rogue's ramblings

Now that it's all over, I'm exhausted.

But the funeral was... I'm not even sure of how to state this... awesome.

We got to Willmar, MN, Sunday evening and went to the house. My mother took us back to the hotel and we all got checked in, dropped off our stuff and went back to the house. There was a continual drop off of food, a small third world country could have been fed by everything that was there. And we were all still fairly coherent.

The next day we went to the funeral home in the afternoon to view Tim. It was actually not as bad as I thought it would be, Tim looked very much at peace, and he had been in a lot of pain just before he died. Everyone that went with us agreed, and I think it really helped Aundie to see him that way, instead of the way he had been in those final hours.

Now for the first of the odd things. Sunday, both my mom and brother (who were at the house) thought they heard Tim call out for them. Still not sure, since Aundie just thought he was saying ow but... I woke up about 5:30am and then laid there and waited for the phone to ring. And one of the nephews from Aundie's side of the family woke up early and told his wife he was thinking of Tim. hmmm.

We ran into a few road blocks on getting the funeral going, it's Lent, and I guess there are no funerals on Wed. in the Lutheran Church. Go figure. So, we ended up having the wake on Wed. and the funeral on Thurs.

Then we had the rain/sleet/snow on Tues. Back to winter. Bleh. At least they were able to go and find a plot at the cemetery in a spot that overlooked Foot Lake. And there was even more food.

I had told my mom that I wasn't sensing anything for awhile but... by the time the wake was over, Aundie made some comment about thinking that Tim was just behind her and she almost turned around to tell him to get his coat so they could go home. He was. (second)

Everyone remember when I went to my uncle's funeral and saw him? I wasn't seeing Tim at this point exactly, more of an impression really. But he was there.

The day of the funeral was clear and cold. And I lost count of how many police people there were at the church. And we walked out between them all at attention. And had a police escort. And police cars with their lights in the funeral procession on all the way to the cemetery. And all intersections blocked with the officers standing at attention. And the lines of officers at the graveside service. And taps played by one. And the presentation of the flag to Aundie. And we found out that the different depts were asked to volunteer to staff during the funeral, and no one would. So they drew names out of a hat!

We then went back to the church for one of Tim's favorite meals, meatballs with mash potatoes and gravy with cold slaw. I saw people there that I haven't seen in years. My parents lived there for 5 years by I was only there for 1. So they got to see a lot of people.

During the dinner, I kept looking around at all the people and was pretty amazed at everyone there, until I realized that Tim kept peeking between and behind different officers. I was tempted at that time to go and ask who they were and what Tim had meant to them but... Since I was holding onto my calm by a thread, I didn't want to 1) burst into tears and 2) tell them that Tim was haunting his own funeral. (third)

Back at the house (way later), there was yet more food, and Tim's daughters were going through all of the cards and writing notes. Aundie was going to have to do a bunch on her own, but at least some of them were done. And they have decided to start a scholarship for anyone graduating high school and going into police work. With the amount of money they currently have, with careful investing, Tim's name will be around for many years.

Later, I was talking with Aundie and agreeing with her that she did *not* immediately have to get rid of all of Tim's clothes and things, she made some comment that she just felt sometimes that if she just turned around he would be there. He was. (fourth)

None of my family reads lj, and so I'm safe in posting this here. I'm not telling any of them that Tim might have died, but at the moment he has not moved on. And maybe he will after a time, but at the moment, no.

I learned things about my brother that he was never willing to share with me. He will be very much missed by his dept and the officers he worked with. We were much too much alike, but we had made our peace with one another.

So, to everyone who has been so supportive during this time, thank you. Your prayers and hugs have meant a lot to me.

But, as I told my mom as we drove to Appleton today, I don't want to see any more dead people for quite some time.

At approximately 5:50am this morning, my brother Timothy Lee Manuel died. We will be going up to MN, well, as soon as I call work, go to work (still need some stuff for the cats before we go), Tom treats the well, I get a hold of Jessica to feed all the cats and finish packing.

Now that it's all over, I am surprisingly calm. I'm sure that this won't last but I'll take what I can get.

So, I might get a chance to post, but it might not be until I get to WI (I'll be there with the parents for a while) and I'm not sure when that will be.

Thanks to everyone that has been keeping my brother and all of my family in their prayers. It has helped.

The brother went to the cities for a total body scan on Thurs. The tumor in his heart hasn't grown but the one on his liver has, as well as the one that is impacting his remaining kidney. And he has some kind of viral infection that they are treating.

He has refused hospice and is still on home health care (for transfusions and liquids) but has pretty much stopped eating and has to be helped to the bathroom and to bed.

My parents and brother are going over tomorrow... and I can't. I just can't.

My brother and I have a history, and for years we did not talked but...

I should not have to be in the position of having to help bury my younger brother.

The end is going to be much sooner than any of us thought.

I am not taking this well.

Anyone who would like to see my brother receive a gift from the Willmar city council, (well, see Aundie get his gift) just google Willmar MN council meeting and watch the Feb 22 video. It's in the first 10 min of it. *sniffles*

My parents were there these last few days and they helped with the pre-planning his funeral and all that sort of stuff. Truly depressing. But it's done, and he had control over what is going to go on and so that's good.

And Becca will be home next weekend so that's good.

Because, they did a bunch of testing on my brother and...

He has a tumor in the right atrium of his heart. And its untreatable and inoperable.

tick tick tick....

Sometimes, I think that he should be able to catch a little break, and then something like this happens. The gamma knife thing went well, and he's eating and drinking more. But... now he just wants to go home.

And I don't blame him.

tick tick tick...

So, the son is off to Ft Lewis in Washington for training (with his entire unit) before going back to Iraq. yea. And he and the wife are now divorced. And Tues. night, when he was still here and Wendi brought Allie up to see him one more time, she seemed to be much more calm and wasn't screaming hysterically at him, so it's an improvement. And even though she didn't come out to the house after Christmas, I had bought her gifts and sent them back with Chris. And she was surprised that I had done so. I almost said, but you are the mother of my grandchild, why wouldn't I give you gifts? But Allie isn't taking this whole going overseas too well, she's old enough now that she understands that Daddy won't be coming to see her every whip-stitch. But as soon as Chris has his first couple of checks, he's buying her a computer with video so that they can talk. Technology can be wonderful.

And the daughter will be coming back from Afghanistan in Feb sometime and then gets to come home for leave. So we can have more Christmas! She's trying to decide how she's going to get her extra stuff home, she'll carry her computer and Kindle, but she also has dvd's and such that she bought so... I told her to send it to Tim (same base) in CA, and if she does it late enough, she'd be there about the time it got there.

And work has been it's normal sucky self. Our lead went to a different job and one of our co-workers moved to Indianapolis and a much better job and then another one fell and broke her ankle and will be out for 6-8 weeks. And management is always farming out everyone who works in the deli (redheaded workers of wm) and so we are continually shorthanded. And next week, they still haven't given us back hours. So, it will be interesting to see how everything goes. Personally, I'll be going home when it says my shift is over, whether the jobs are done or not. They aren't really paying me to think, here.

My brother. *sigh* He is doing somewhat better. Still in the cities, going through rehab (for his leg) and taking to the nutritionist about his eating habits (or lack thereof). Tues. he has another tumor in his head removed (gamma knife, so not invasive) and they are hoping that this will help with his tasting things. That's been his complaint, that nothing tastes right. But then there is the surgery to get rid of the tumor on his adrenal gland. That will be... whenever. So, my parents are going over with a cousin to see him and Aundie this weekend. It's just a waiting game. At least his job is supportive, the guys are always showing up and visiting with him and his boss has told him that if he wants to come to work and just sit there, he'll sign his check. Tim could always to the paperwork and be the consultant, he is very good at his job. And in June, he will have worked for the Willmar Police Dept for 30 years. Pretty amazing.

Well, now that I've vented (and cried a bit) I should get busy and finish up cleaning from Christmas. And vacuum, I really need to vacuum.

Sucked.

Big time.

Ok, the brother made it through surgery, but then they found two blood clots (liver and lung) and he had a urinary track infection as well.

And he's tired. Very tired. And didn't want to eat or drink or do anything that would keep him out of the hospital... or for that matter, alive.

But he made it to his 55th birthday and so, if he wishes, he can retire. That's the only good thing about working in MN, public servants can do that with enough time.

So, it was a very up and down week, and now I just have to cope with knowing that the son leaves for training to go to Iraq on Jan. 5.

Like I said. Sucked. Big time.

Actually pretty good.

Aundie has a mild concussion and Tim had his surgery (one tumor removed, one rod inserted and pins fixed) and is resting comfortably. Well, as comfortable as you can get after all of that. He will be back in surgery (whenever) as he has another tumor in his head (or they'll zap it with a laser, don't know which yet) but so far, so good. And his work is allowing him to work from home. Which is good. Computers are a wonderful thing.

And yes, they hit black ice. And the suv is totaled. So they were very very lucky.

So, since I have today off and I've got most of my cards mailed, I'm going to finish beta-ing stuff today.

Well, after lunch. Roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy and veg. Yum!

Life slams a huge smack down.

My brother had surgery scheduled this morning to reinsert the pins in his leg (they were working loose, don't ask how, don't know) and so they had to be at the hospital at 8 this morning. We're talking Minnesota here, people. You know, the land of ice and snow.

So, my sil was driving and however it happened, they went off the road, rolled over a ditch and ended up in a pond. Which was frozen. Which is actually good, because my brother has no mobility and would have drowned.

At this moment, they are both in the ER and Aundie is complaining that her neck hurts (she has MS and her neck is her weak point) but Tim (although they had to use the jaws of life to get him out) seems to be fine.

And he might even still have the surgery. Because the working loose pins are causing a LOT of pain.

So, I know I said I would beta stuff, and I still will (about halfway on both things) but today and maybe tomorrow are a complete wash until I find out just how they are doing.

And now I have to go to work.

Shoot me now. Please.

So, the brother came through his surgery fine, but when the urologist started looking around, he found an enlarged prostate. Of course. Today he has more of the looking around thing, and they might go in and remove the adrenal gland on his remaining kidney.

And this year is going by way too fast.

And I'm still not in any shape to edit anything, can't seem to type without a gazillion errors and back spaces, let alone being coherent. Spelling? We don't need no spelling!